One order of zen moment, please!

do you ever wish you could order those moments of peace whenever you wanted one? like a cup of coffee, or tea (my preference). there's a teahouse in Madison that i love - Macha teahouse. i would go there every day if i could. they serve you delicious tea on a wooden tray and give you a timer to show you when you should take the tea leaves out of your pot. i would love to sip my tea while reading a book, or writing a letter. alas, my life is not quite all mine to do as i wish all the time. i have to catch my zen whenever i can, whenever it chooses to fly my way.

and it was during one of those unexpected zen moments when i took these photos by Lake Mendota. Skye and Claire were busy playing on the playground, Phil was holding Cordelia, and i had a rare moment to wander over to the water.

i think i have won over the lice - yay!!! this means the rest of the week is going to be great! hope you're having a great week!

Humble pie + apple pie

i feel like i'm eating humble pie lately. i have to depend on so many people to do the things i ought to be doing! i depend on Phil to do most of the cooking these days. i depend on friends and neighbours to take Skye and Claire. and yet i'm still tired, so tired. i long for the day when i can feel myself again, to do the things i'm supposed to do. of course, i love my husband for doing so much and i'm so grateful for good friends and neighbours who love my kids, but i do long for the day when i don't feel so....useless.

but even in the midst of the sleepless blur that seems to make up my days, i did manage to bake an apple pie. afterall, what is fall without apple pie?

what's your favourite food in the fall?

happy monday, everyone!

Sisterhood

when i was a little girl, i always wished i had a sister. when i look at my girls, i grow warm inside thinking they will always have each other. over this past summer, i really got to see how good they were together. Cordelia's face lights up when Skye or Claire walks into the room. Skye takes care of Claire when i am not able and Claire provides companionship for Skye. of course, there's the bickering and fighting, but on the whole, the girls are happy together. could a mother ask for more?

Embracing Chaos

does anyone know how to do this? if you do, please teach me! i seem to be completely useless at it. i don't know how to prioritize my children's needs - when all three come at me with something all at once, i drop all the balls instead of gracefully juggling them all. i know, tomorrow's a new day and things will look better, but right now, i'm not sure i'm handling motherhood well at all.

Happy Mother's Day

to all the mummies i know, happy mother's day!! and especially to those of you who have little ones to take care of, big hugs! since i find it a daily challenge to get out the door properly clothed and sane of mind, i know you all are in the thick of it too! but as i was thinking yesterday at Skye's birthday party, surrounded by 6, 7, 8 year old little ladies, how quickly they grow up and don't seem to need us as much as little Cordelia does... and yet we'll always be their mums. and thank goodness we'll always have our mothers!

Memory loss

i am struggling with that these days. i've forgotten countless things...forgetting to write the time on Skye's birthday party invitations, putting things down and forgetting where i put them... i've become entirely dependent on my calendar - if it's not in there, i'll forget it. i'm afraid one of these days, i'm going to forget one of my children somewhere!

(update: after writing this post, i ran out of the house to pick up Skye from school to take her to ballet - i remembered all the kids but forgot to take Skye's ballet stuff. sigh. fortunately, the ballet school had extra leotards and shoes to borrow.)

Cordelia's Birth Story

true to the way things have gone with this pregnancy, the birth of Cordelia was unpredictable in many ways. but at the end of the day, we had a beautiful, healthy girl and for that we are extremely grateful.

as in my previous post, we had been preparing a water birth at home. we had had complications with the tub when Claire was born at home, but this time, the tub was no trouble and worked great. i just couldn't last in the tub.

labour began last friday morning at 5am. i thought, uh-oh, is this another false start? but this time, the contractions were definitely stronger and felt much closer to the kinds that started my previous labours. after waiting for about 45 mins, we called the midwife and when she arrived, she said we would have the baby that day. soon, i got in the birthing tub and the girls woke up and hung around. it wasn't long before the contractions got really strong. i could even feel what i thought was the top of the baby's head and the amniotic sac pushing through. when i had felt that much of the head with Claire, the end was very close. boy, was i wrong with this one! the urge to push was really really strong, but i felt i wasn't making any progress. the midwife kept encouraging my that i WAS making progress, but i think physically, i was starting to get very tired. eventually, i got out of the tub. all i could think about was how i wanted to lay down somewhere and go to sleep, but the contractions were only getting stronger.

my labour in total was still only 4 and a half hrs long, but the intensity of it was so much greater than the other two (and the other 2 were pretty intense as well). and this labour started in the morning, when i wasn't feeling as strong. Cordelia's head came out at an angle; thus the long hours of pushing. but perhaps because this was my third birth, i managed to give birth to her even with her in an unfavourable position. in the midst of all the pain, i was aware of my amniotic sac bursting during one of my pushes. had i been more sane of mind, i would have found this rather funny, but i'm afraid i only registered it dimly. and i was SO grateful for my midwives - yes, i ended up having both the midwives who birthed Claire. Phil said how there was almost no need to communicate - we all had been there before and knew what to do. i trusted them completely, even during one dark moment when i thought, i'm going to end up at the hospital and they are going to have to cut me open to get this baby out! but thankfully, my midwives helped by applying pressure in the right places, pushing back on a persistent lip of cervix and eventually moving Cordelia's head as she pushed through.

so, no water birth this time and no en caul birth, but we have another beautiful daughter. it is a joy to watch Cordelia's daily changing face. and her sisters love her to pieces.

i will post some photos once i get a little better.

Week 38

i apologize for not posting anything for a whole week, but this past week was just plain strange and crazy. i felt too emotionally off-kilter to write anything! but things are better now.

last thursday night, i hardly got any sleep. i kept having these mild contractions that were too frequent to ignore. since i couldn't sleep, i decided to time them. they were about 10 mins apart. they were quite regular, but i was puzzled by their mildness. with both Skye and Claire, when labour started, there was no mistake about it. i knew right away because the contractions were so intense and so fast. but this, what was this? i had no idea. by 5am, friday morning, the mild contractions were about 5 mins apart. around 6am, we called the midwife. we got busy filling up the birthing tub. once the girls woke up, they were all excited too. but when the midwife arrived and she checked me, i was only 1.5 cm dilated. and by then, the contractions were getting even weaker. was i imagining things??? my midwife stayed with us for a couple of hours and then left since nothing was happening, but kept in touch with me over the phone throughout the day. Phil took the kids out in the morning and since i had no idea what to do and i had a batch of danish pastry sitting in the fridge, i baked a batch of cheese danish (which btw was delicious). then i took a thoroughly good nap and woke up to find the contractions were no longer regular.

they say that the third birth is unpredictable (all births are rather unpredictable, but the first is usually long, the second is rapid and the third is a bit of a mystery) and that is proving true for us. since last week's incident, i am discovering many women out there who have had such false starts to their third labour. my midwives reassure me that this is all ok. i am glad to be in the company of women who embrace the mystery of the body and believe strongly in the body knowing what it is doing.

who knows when this baby will arrive and in what fashion? but i'm learning to take it day by day, still trying to accomplish as much as i can before baby arrives.

Week 37

yesterday, i had my 37th week check up and was suddenly hit with the realization that i wasn't all ready for this birth! so, i've been in my frenzied-activity mode today, doing laundry, going through the list of things i need to finish... and poor Phil, he has a presentation at work tomorrow and he was debating cancelling it. mainly because during my appointment with the midwife, we concluded that when labour hits, it's going to be very fast since my cervix has thinned out almost completely. but, i'm trying to take things calmly and believe that the baby will stay put at least until the end of the month.

at least the birthing tub is ready in our den - but i am beginning to wonder if i'll have time to make it in there! :)

Pulse Conference

this weekend, i will be showing two of my paintings at the Pulse Conference. since becoming a mother, i haven't had the space/time to paint much, but last year, i did some paintings/collages and these are 2 of them that i'll be showing over the weekend. if you are in town, do stop by. the paintings will be up all weekend during the conference and i think you could stop by whenever, but the opening is this friday, from 6-7 pm, just before the Fernando Ortega concert. i'll be there on friday, along with all the other artists showing their work.

"Taking Flight"


"Hands"

Skye's Golden Birthday

it's hard to believe that my little girl is getting so big. i know people say this all the time about parenthood, that the first years fly by, but i can't help marvelling about it just the same. i guess because i'm not growing or changing at the rate my children are. i'm sort of walking along at a tortoise pace while they are hopping ahead like little bunnies.

while Skye's official party isn't until this saturday, we did manage to squeeze in some celebrating last wednesday. it ended up being a FULL day. Skye was the "Fantabulous Friend" at school last week and her teacher asked her to bring in her violin to play for the class. i was supposed to do that on tuesday but was sick as a dog, so i went in on wednesday. Skye was so proud of herself, to get up in front of her friends and play her many variations of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. then, after school, she had her ballet recital. they did the "Firebird" this time. i'll post some movies of their dance. it was lots of fun to watch.

personally for me, i had another celebration going on inside. i'd started my novel shortly after Skye was born. now, near her 6th birthday, i'm close to being finished with it. i have a final meeting with an editor and then i'll be sending it out to an agent. i feel really mixed up inside, sort of like seeing the children growing up. i'm happy that they are growing up so well and growing more and more independent, yet with each year, i'm letting them go more and more. and while i'm happy the novel is coming to an end, there's a sadness there too.

this saturday, we celebrate Skye's birthday at her ballet school with 10 of her friends. all the girls will dress up, dance and eat cupcakes. i did try my best to convince Skye to have a party at home, but she was quite firm about having her party outside this year. she wanted a fairy party, just the kind they have at her ballet school. :)

Backseat Driver

i have a backseat driver who weighs under 25 lbs and measures under 3 feet tall. whenever i'm in a bit of a rush, her little voice goes, "Ummah, you driving too fast! slow down!!"

yep, ever since my speeding ticket, my little Claire is busy keeping me in line. whenever i try to zoom by a slow poke, her little voice goes off. sigh, who's taking care of whom? Phil thinks i deserve this one. so do i.

Too old for nights out?

this was the question on my mind over the weekend as i went out 2 nights in a row with girlfriends to catch a couple of movies at the Wisconsin Film Festival. i had a GREAT time, don't get me wrong. but it felt a little surreal...i mean, it's been almost 6 yrs since i went out on a Friday night after sunset! for one thing, i'd forgotten most people come out after it gets dark. i kept looking around, thinking, wow, look at all these people out at night! are we really in a recession? our usual thing is to eat dinner at 5:30pm and from then on, it's all about getting ready for bed!

but it was great to have some good adult conversation and to watch 2 really good movies. one was a documentary about these women who train to become burlesque dancers: A Wink and a Smile. really provocative in subject matter, but quite funny too. then i watched a korean movie called Secret Sunshine. this was really intense emotionally, esp watching it as a mother. the child in the movie gets kidnapped and that's like any parents' worst fears. it also provoked a lot of questions about Christianity because the main character in the movie converts to Christianity when she is at the end of her rope. i won't spoil it for those of you who are interested in watching it by divulging too much info.

The Terrible Twos

we have entered into it, full-blown. all the negotiating and arguing that goes on between Claire and me is wearing me down. i keep telling myself to choose my battles wisely, but what is a concerned parent to do with a child that wants to run outside in 30 degree weather without a jacket on? i'm not sure why, but that has been our daily struggle. it was the hair thing, so i chopped off Claire's hair so that we don't have to fight about tying it up out of her face. it was the teeth-brushing thing and many of you may shake your heads at me for holding down my child and forcing her mouth open to brush her teeth. but come on! teeth don't last forever! but that has passed and now it is the jacket thing. yes, i'm sure this too will pass, but in the mean time, i have to deal with a toddler who has a cough and runny nose from running around outside without her jacket on.

BUT, the pendulum swings to the other extreme. Claire makes me laugh and is still my sweet munchkin. we were making up today after an incident with the jacket and she gave me a sidelong look as if to say, "i know you can't resist me", and then broke into a wicked grin.

here is a sweet moment where Claire is singing.


Singing Claire from slkim on Vimeo.

teenage years already???

that was the thought running through my mind today when one of Skye's friends came over for a playdate after school. the exact comment that triggered this thought was: "when you're done with whatever you're doing, i want some banana bread."

ok, maybe i'm PMSing, or maybe i just had a bad day, but i sort of raised my eyebrows and gave this little 7 year old girl a second look. i probably wouldn't have given it a thought if this girl had said this to her own mother, but i got the strange feeling this girl was feeling much too comfortable in my own house. perhaps it's my Korean upbringing, but heck, you never got away with talking to an adult like that when i was a kid!! and i think i have this idea in my head that under 10 yr olds are still "innocent" and still look up to adults.

i know, this is all nothing in the grand scheme of things. kids will grow up, no matter what, and kids will still need us parents no matter how old they are. but it's a little frightening to think that the teenage attitudes are already upon us.

St. Patrick's Day

a friend asked me today when St. Patrick's day was. honestly, i had no idea - do i look Irish? but when Skye came home from school, she was full of talk about St. Patty's day. she picked out her clothes for tomorrow before she went to bed. green top, green pants and green socks, but no green underwear. she has always been all about the colours: valentine colours for valentine's day, easter colours for easter, halloween colours for halloween, christmas colours for christmas. you get the idea. but i never thought i'd see the green come out for st. Patrick's day!

Skye is growing fast and fast testing my wisdom in areas of raising her. she is most definitely my first child, the perfectionist who tends to be bossy. it is hard for me to remember that she is still just a little girl, especially when Claire seems so small in comparison. it is difficult for me to be just as attentive to her needs because i expect so much more from her.

Various odds and ends

over the weekend, we went to a friend's house for dinner. all was well, but what made it memorable was the amount of food my children ate. we had to fill up Skye's plate FIVE times and Claire's THREE times! either my friend is a fantastic cook or i've been starving my children! well, my friend is a good cook - i enjoyed her cooking too! i was just glad she is Korean and would feel happy about my children's very big appetites. i couldn't imagine what i would have done if she was from a place where people are supposed to politely decline seconds, or are expected to leave food on their plates when finished.

Skye began her violin classes a few weeks ago. she is very very excited about them and loves to pull out her violin to practice. i was a little hesitant to begin, worried that she would want to give it up soon after starting, but perhaps because SHE has wanted it and it wasn't me encouraging her to do this, she has taken to it really well. she has this tiny little violin...it's very cute.

Claire likes to quote lines from books i've been reading her. the latest quotes are from "Madeline": "Miss Clavel turned on the light", "Madeline cried and cried". but what Claire does is she'll just blurt out these quotes during random times. while i'm helping her get dressed or while she's eating or while she's drawing.

as for me, i feel like i'm still trying to find my footing. last month felt so stressful and while i went away for a weekend to write, i don't feel like my life has slowed down at all. i'm a little concerned that my life will continue at this stressed out, hectic rate for the rest of my life!! and with all my energy going into my novel, it's hard to keep up with the blog. BUT, i will say it felt odd yet wonderful to be completely alone for a few days, my schedule not dictated by my children's lives. i woke up both mornings with all this energy to channel into my writing instead of spreading it all out on my children. yet at the same time, i missed my family. it's called love, i guess. :)

Valentine's day?

what is that?? our day was lost in the endless list of activities i had inadvertently packed into the day. first, a special brunch at Marigolds. then, i had promised to pick up my neighbour's kids for part of the day - they have a day old baby in their house, so i thought i'd be neighbourly and take the older kids. Phil and i took turns taking the kids out to various outings. the one i ended up taking them to was Skye's school's winter carnival. crazy. there were so many people and kids running around, i barely had my wits together to keep track of my kids. finally dropped off the neighbours' kids back at their house and then it was off to dinner at a friend's house, but of course, i'd volunteered to make dessert... i'm just thankful the day didn't end in tears. i should be overcome with exhaustion and conked out in my bed, but my mind is going a mile a minute and so i'm sitting here writing.

i'd love to catch you up on my weekend getaway, but the minute i stepped out of the car after i drove back home, it's been crazy. for those of you who are wondering where i've been, i went to this place last weekend to take some personal time to work on my novel. it was great but also really bizarre. it felt so strange not to have my time dictated by my children's schedule/needs. i did get some good work in, but of course, felt i didn't have enough time to do everything i wanted to do. i also had a great time talking, over meals in the dining hall, to some of the other people who were there. it was really beautiful and peaceful. great place for writing, as many other writers have noticed as well.

but the best news is, my kitchen ceiling is finally all fixed!! yay!!!! on friday, the painter came and finished the painting. it is so great to no longer look up into these big gaping holes above us blowing in cold drafts!!

Beginning of 2009

i've had such a horrendous start to the new year, i'm going to rant a bit here before moving on to fairer topics. the last 2 weeks have been so full of...emergencies...it's been like boot camp. first of all, Phil leaves for 2 wks to bask in the lovely warmth of Vietnam. and most of the people who should be perhaps concerned for my well-being, showed only concern for Phil's safety. ahem! from the moment he takes off, i've been bombarded with illnesses from both children. first, a run to the ER for the first time ever in my life. fortunately, it was a popped elbow for Claire and they fixed it immediately. phew! next, Skye and i were up most of the night due to an ear infection. another run to urgent care and a day off from school for Skye. then, i breathed a sigh of relief - everyone seemed back to normal. then it was frantic packing for our trip to LA. sound crazy with 2 kids on my own? THAT was a breeze compared to everything else. so i'll talk about the trip and put up photos later. we returned to the oh-so-cold Madison. our kind neighbours had shovelled our sidewalk and driveway, i was so thankful, not realizing how much i'd be relying on them the next day. i was slightly worried when i saw that our bathtub drain was frozen. i had dripped the tap in the tub to PREVENT the freezing. the taps were frozen too. i probably should have called a plumber right away, but it was late and i had a girl throwing up all over the house on my hands. i fell asleep exhausted, hoping the worst was over. i woke up the next morning to the screams of Claire downstairs and what sounded like a pressure cooker going off. i ran downstairs to see water shooting out of a hole in the kitchen ceiling, all over the kitchen. i immediately grabbed a bucket and put in under the hole, only to have the bucket fill up in a matter of seconds. i ran down to the basement--water was up to my ankles. i had no idea what to turn to turn off the water supply. i ran, drenched in my PJs, to my neighbour's house. fortunately, he was walking out the door for work. he ran over and after several minutes of figuring out which handle to turn, he shut off everything in the house. thanks to Skype, i called Phil who was by now in Singapore and he managed to talk to our handyman and get a plumber out to the house. my phone was under the blast of the water and was completely useless. my kind neighbour took Skye and Claire in for the morning (her own children were home due to snow day) and i set about mopping up the water. once the plumber came, he located the source of the explosion and returned the heat and water supply to the house. we can't bathe for the next several days until the home insurance people come and inspect the damages, but at least we have heat and running water again.

i was so so exhausted i couldn't even cry. but, on the brighter side, i'm glad it happened after we got home rather than when we were away. and i'm glad Phil is coming home tomorrow. i'm saving the basement for him to clean up! we are very fortunate all the water drained out. i was really quite surprised. i was thinking i needed a sump pump or something, but no. it's just damp and cold downstairs. of course, the cold outside doesn't help.

it has snowed some more, so i need to shovel outside. what, with all the mopping and the shovelling, i'm really getting sick of this cold. instead of doing either, i'm blogging instead. i'll return to better topics another day.

Traveling as a single mum...

when you travel as a single mum, you have to depend so much more on the kindness of strangers. and kind strangers there were today as i made the trip from Madison to LA. but there were also plenty of people who just didn't care. chivalry is almost nonexistent i think. but the girls were fantastic. of course, we had our troubles, like Claire refusing to pee in the airport bathrooms, never mind the plane ones. i ended up just putting a diaper on her until we got to our friend's house. at one point on the plane, i conked out because i was so exhausted. i don't know for how long, but the girls just kept themselves occupied for those few short minutes.

do i recommend traveling alone with 2 kids? i don't know...i'll let you know after i get back home. but i was impressed to see a mum traveling with 3 kids today. each child was pulling his/her own wheelie and they all looked to be under 7 yrs of age.